Okay, what a morning! So now you all get to hear about my super fun trip to the hospital to get my cat scan!
*dripping with sarcasm*
So I get there, and wait... and wait... and wait...
And finally someone comes out with this little mini milk jug looking thing and hands it to me.
"Drink a two cups now, and then a cup every fifteen minutes until it is finished."
Oh man, looking at the size of that thing I knew that I was gonna be there for quite a while.
I smelled it, it didn't smell SOOOO bad. It smelled faintly of vanilla and like those big jars of paste did in kindergarten. And hey, I used to like the paste, that stuff was better than pudding!
So, I take a sip. Definitely not something that I would drink for fun. I wouldn't say to one of my friends one afternoon:
"Hey Jen, what do you say we take ourselves over to that cool hospital place and get ourselves a cup of... of..." what WAS it called?
Somehow that doesn't sound like something very healthy. So I am thinking there might be some after effects of having to drink all of this goo.
The first two glasses went down okay but then,
WHOA NELLY- I suddenly felt quite full. And dang it, I hadn't even made a dent in that jug. I had 15 minutes to prep myself.
Boy that 15 minutes of dread sure went by much to quickly!
By the fourth glass, I realized the stuff was getting more and more gnarly. The fact that it was getting warmer and warmer especially wasn't helping.
By the fifth glass, I was definitely struggline to keep that stuff down. It tasted and felt like I was swallowing glass after glass of maloxx. Ooooh, yummy! Liquid chalk!
How to avoid vomiting while drinking the eigth glass of liquid chalk:
1. Breath deeply and calmly.
2. Stare at the wall.
3. Avoid eye contact with others in the waiting room who are staring at you apprehensively, knowing you are clinging to every last bit of stomach strength you have and saying to themselves "Man I am glad it isn't me!"
4. Swallow repeatedly.
5. Repeat this mantra: If I throw this up, I'm gonna have to drink more.
If I throw this up, I'm gonna have to drink more.
If I throw this up, I'm gonna have to drink more.
Swallow, gulp, lurch, swallow...
And fait accomplis!
Now I feel as though I just ingested three complete thanksgiving dinners- BY MYSELF.
And man, I need to use the bathroom BAD!
So while I did the pee-pee dance in my chair for another half hour, the radiologists decided to have a debate on the benefits of clorox handi wipes over paper towels.
"YES THAT IS ME THAT IS MEEEEE!!! BLESS YOU DOCTOR!"
I yell as I practically fly out of my chair into the dark room.
Radiologist:"Put these hospital pants on and then sit in this chair and wait".
At this point I didn't think my bladder could wait much longer.
And WHAT in heavens name was with these pants? They tied in the front but can you say NO FLY? OPEN GAP?
Feeling a major draft I grabbed the thing and decided to keep the darn pants shut manually. Let em think what they want. I am modest.
Finally it was my turn and I go into this big room, with a big doughnut like machine thingy with a long skinny table sticking through the hole. I am supposed to lie on that.
But first the radiologist trades the nasty dirty sheet on it for an even worse, stained hospital sheet as he gives me an apologetic look and makes a quip about the hospital laundry capabilities. Wow, they spare no expense on bleach here don't they.
"Well at least not on the pants" the nurse jokes.
You just don't make those kind of jokes, I am already grossed out enough, my crotch is in plain view of the public and I have to pee like a demon. I am not in a humorous mood now.
I ask the guy if it is gonna take long and tell him if so, I don't think my bladder is gonna make it...
"Well you can go ahead and use the washroom and we will get started when you come back" he says cheerfully.
I lunge at him and wrap my hands around his scrawny neck squeezing the life out of his putrid body...
Okay, no I didn't do that by why the H E double hockey sticks didn't they tell me that before!!!
I have never been so happy to see a toilet in all my life! AHHHHHHHH
Then I am back and lying on the table and he says they are gonna give me an IV.
WHOA. I didn't know they would be sticking needles in me. Let me just point out that I am great when it comes to drawing blood, no problems, doesn't bug me a bit... BUT, I don't like getting things put IN, that hurts.
And let me also point out that AMERICANS SUCK AT GETTING NEEDLES IN YOUR VAINS.
Yes I am generalizing and frankly I don't care.
You are probably asking well, how can she ever say that?
Well, because I have a thyroid imbalance which means from like the time I was fourteen, I used to have to go and get it tested a couple times a month and in Canada, after ALL THOSE TIMES, they never missed a vein. NEVER. NOT ONCE. NADA.
But here, they have NEVER gotten a vein on the first try. They usually have to fish for it or stick each arm a few times and roll that needle around until my arm is black and blue and I am ready to pass out.
So, I chalk it up to the fact that AMERICANS SUCK AT FINDING VEINS.
And this guy wasn't much better.
"Does that hurt?" he asks
"Oh no, not at all, please continue to assault my nerve endings with that needle, it is one of my favorite sensations. Better than sex" (that was for my sister Katie who is gagging herself right now).
but I really say, "not too bad"
finally he gets it in and starts the IV.
"Now you will probably experience a warm feeling and also a little bit of a metallic taste in your mouth, it won't last very long..."
And the process begins. In and out of the machine, hold your breath, breath, hold your breath, breath, in and out... and then he comes back and says he will start the IV now... what? I thought it was?
Oh well. He leaves and the machine starts up again... in and out... hold your breath, breath. But then all the sudden this searing pain and heat start in my arm where the IV is. It doesn't help that both my arms are raised above my head making the process that much more painful. My body starts to get really hot, like the sensation that I just rubbed some awfully strong bengay in a few certain places... and the back of my throat is one of them. This wasn't in the LEAST bit pleasant.
Finally it is done, I get to put my pants back on, all while thanking the heavens for the invention of button flys and zippers and get the heck out of there.
My results won't be in until next Tuesday they say... ugggg, more waiting.
But there is more...
Much, much more.
My stomach felt like I just swallowed about a ton of helium. There was air doing the tango in my intestines, my belly, and just about everywhere there is room.
I had a feeling I was in biiiiggggg trouble.
Now since I am a lady (or try to be) and not prone to talk about these things with other people, I will go gently on you.
I was back at work, my stomach was gurgling and almost talking, I mean singing, I swear I heard a bar from the Marriage of Figaro in there somewhere.
To put it lightly as to not offend your delicate ears,
my assault on the bathroom was so violent that I think the next time I approach, its walls will crumble for fear of a repeat performance.
The airfreshner was almost out, although it wouldn't have helped much anyway. I feel sorry for the poor sap who needs to use it next!
Wait a minute? I am Lizzy! I do not have such capabilities!
Well, now that you know the whole story, I hope you still talk to me.
I really am a good person.
I can't wait to get the results and find out what it is, I wish this didn't take so long.
I hope you all had a good long laugh at my expense and exagerrations...
Good weekend to all!
Dizzy- Empty- Lizzy