I feel sick to my stomach today. Depression is setting in, and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it.
I think I need to talk a little further about this. It has a lot to do with the differences between Dave and I. There are a lot. Most of them we can work around but there is one thing that always seems to pop up and cause little complications. He is SO laid back. I am not. I worry about everything, which in a way is good because it makes me DO things, get things DONE, think of things ahead of time, prepare and plan. Dave doesn't do any of these things. I guess I just thought I would get married and would be able to share more responsibilities... instead, I feel like I take the brunt of them apon my own shoulders. Much by choice, but a choice made because I feel like if I don't do it, it won't get done. Now that our baby is on it's way, and I am preparing to be a full time stay at home mom, I am realizing that I am going to have to place my financial well being and what not, into David's hands. I don't think I have ever trusted anyone that much. I have worked since I was 13 - providing for myself my wants, and later, my needs. It is very hard for me to think of giving that responsibility up, especially to someone who doesn't worry as much, who is so laid back, who doesn't place much importance on planning and doing things as soon as they come up. It makes me nervous, frustrated and builds up resentment. And it had been building and building and last night, and this morning, it got about as high as it could go. And I was harsh, and a little hurtful but I am so sick on not being understood and scared of the future. And I just wish Dave would understand a little more. But we are so different in those ways, that it is really hard for him to understand. And I still love him more than life, and he still makes me so, so, so happy. But of course we aren't perfect and this is something that needs to be improved. I just wish I knew where to start?