Mr. Sandman decided to wreak havoc on me last night. I know you usually read about one sentence into someone’s dream and then skip it because it can be pretty boring but these dreams were anything but. More like night terrors and quite traumatic for me!
The first one was that Dave cheated on me. I won't go into the gory details but I woke up smacking Dave and crying.
The next one is in a league all its own. I dreamt that I was with Daves mom and sister and we were driving in the van somewhere out of town. Well, Daves mom crashed the van and we flipped a couple times. Luckily, we were all wearing seatbelts and so we were all bruised and bumped but not too bad off. At least that is what I thought. The next thing I knew, I was in a gas station bathroom and my water broke and I delivered the baby right there... I saw it and started screaming... it was a girl, and so small. I cleaned it up as best I could and realized that it was struggling for breath and alive although very, very tiny.
We went to an unknown hospital and they were telling us to wait and so we went in search of the NICU ourselves. I remember being in the elevator and there was a draft and I was trying to protect this tiny infant from the cold air. It was so real. I could feel its warmth against my body and it's tiny arms flailing as it struggled to breathe.
We finally got the the NICU and explained what had happened and how far along I was.
They said, "sorry, the baby is too premature, it might live for a little while longer but there is nothing we can do" and they gave me a chair to sit it and hold it.
I couldn't believe how stone faced they all were, and that they wouldn't even TRY when the baby was still alive in my arms.
I sat and rocked my baby and prayed for a miracle, but I knew that it wasn't going to happen and so I rocked and sobbed and studied this perfect, tiny little creature in my arms...
I woke up then, literally sobbing and wailing. I couldn't calm down and the tears kept coming. It was all so real, in the dream, I FELT the baby, I could SMELL the baby and it seemed like it had actually happened.
Dave kept telling me it was just a dream, but I couldn't be consoled for awhile. I felt the greatest sense of loss no matter how much I told myself it was just a dream. It took me awhile to calm down as Dave held me as I cried.
I wanted nothing more than to feel the baby's presence in my belly. A couple light kicks reassured me and I was finally able to go to sleep.
Called the boss and said I would be in late this morning (I was so tired, there was no way I could get up).
When I got into work, I went into his office and told him all about it. Still so fresh in my mind, the tears still came. Good thing we are almost as close as family, because I really needed to vent.
This is the WRONG time in my life to be having dreams like that!
I can only blame it on the fact that I was reading too many sad stories at pregnancytoday.com and had a big glass of milk before bed (should have listened to mom).
NO MORE MILK BEFORE BED! That is FOR SURE.
135 Days left! Oh and as for the crib, Dave was very proud of me :) It is brand new from an eBay store and yes, it converts into a toddler bed! YEY!