Gingerly Lizzy

My Passion Denied
2002-04-05 - 9:14 a.m.

Good garfield it's Friday.

I think that last night I half figured out what my problem is... that of self-fulfilment. It all came to quite a head last night... Let me explain:

Ever since I was a teeny weeny little girl, I have always had a passion for the art. I loved to read, draw, dance, sing. I was truly passionate about it. It is almost as if it was embedded in me. I was born with it. It is as much a part of me as my beating heart.

From the start I wanted to be a ballerina. Eventually I realized that with my body type and lack of muscle memory, this was not a reality.

In grade school, I was known as the class artist. Everyone would come to me when they needed a drawing for some project or another. I excelled in my art class, I sketched for fun, it was part of my identity.

I also sang with the band and performed many times. I had a pretty good voice for a kid my age and my music teacher encouraged further training.

Then highschool came along and I chose a different identity for awhile. I stopped drawing, actually dropped it for a more social, friend filled life.

After a couple years, Walkerville (the local arts school) was calling me and I decided to audition. I auditioned for vocal music and drama, and got in. I was elated... especially when they allowed me to enroll in ballet and jazz classes as well without auditioning.

For the last three years of highschool (we have grade 13 in Canada), that was my life. Off to my art school for a 7:45am early morning dance class, usually followed by a vocal class (classical or jazz) and then drama. I was then whisked back to my home school on my lunch hour, Riverside, by taxi to finish off the day with the regular academic classes.

These last three years were some of the best of my life, in a self fulfilment sense. I was involved in all kinds of performances non-stop for which I would spend hours and hours of rehearsal time before and after school.

Dance shows, mini opera's, vocal concerts, musicals, plays, individual gigs...

If I would have had time for an art class, I could have added that to my repetoire too!

It was bliss. I love the stage, I love live performance... and I knew I was good at it. It was my thing.

I failed miserably when it came to math, squeaked by in the sciences, destested history, but when it came to anything in the least bit creative, it was my niche and I fit right in.

It seemed to fill my soul, almost complete me when I was involved in some way.

After our senior drama performance, I was shocked to receive the highly coveted "Best all around student in Dance, Drama, and Vocal Music Award", it was one of those truly great moments for me.

I had huge dreams of what I was going to do after highschool. A Dance, Music, Theatre Major.

But, it didn't quite turn out that way.

I didn't get accepted into BYU (they had one of the top programs there) The Math section on my SAT's just didn't quite cut it.

Admissions told me to go to another local university, take a semester or two, do really well and the re-apply. But that wasn't so easy. I wasn't a resident and tuition almost trippled. So instead I worked for a year and a half and then attended a semester at the local college where my declared major was theatre with a minor in music.

One night, I went to the school intending to audition after hearing of a musical performance being put on. I left in tears without even having auditioned because the rehearsal hours just wouldn't cut it with my work hours. I was supporting myself, I had to work.

All in all, that semester was really the last time in which I truly excersized all the creative energy I had.

Last night, Dave and I went to see a singer/ songwriter performance at BYU. Some of the performers were mediocre, others were pretty good.

Whenever I attend these types of things, it leaves me longing to be in their place, on stage, performing my own music. It leaves me jealous, and lately bitter. I couldn't hold back my tears of regret and disappointment last night. Dave really can't understand completely because he missed out on those years of my life. He doesn't know the performing Liz. I had to call Katie to get it off my back.

I guess there are just things that I realize are more important for me.

I love being married to Dave, and want to start a family in the next couple years. I want to stay home and raise my children. This means that Dave would be the sole provider for awhile, until our kids are in school and therefore it is more important for him to get his education out of the way.

This means I am kind of stuck working full time. And we need the medical benefits. I am doing a very non-creative job. Like a robot, day-in, day-out.

This leaves very little room to be able to fulfill my own dreams. And that is really hard to deal with.

I know that I have my priorities straight so save the lectures about how my dreams are equally as important. My ultimate dreams and joys in life will come true along this path that I am taking now.

But that still doesn't make it any easier to let go of these others.

I am going to attend night classes starting in the fall, I can't wait. Last night I decided that these would be arts focused.

I am going to take guitar lessons. I have always wanted to and this way it would make music writing a lot more productive.

I am going to buy more art supplies and start applying myself more to the sketchpad.

Who knows... I might just have some performance time left yet.

I hope.

It feels good to have figured out one of these major problems, and it feels good to vent. Thanks for listening. And if anyone in Utah has a band and needs a lead singer... I am your lady, (preferrably in the atlernative style... but I am open).

Now I am going to change the suject. I know it is one of those entries where I should have just ended it in the last paragraph to make my point but there is some important news I have to share.

Dave's parents applied for the loan to build the basement apartment... they are waiting to hear... everyone cross their fingers!

My car is back in the shop... GRRRR... hopfefully fixed by now.

I had a super long chat with my sis last night. She is awesome. I love you Kate!

It is the weekend and I am so glad.

I have two rolls thawing on my desk right now that I took out of the freezer this morning. They are my lunch along with an orange and string cheese stick.

I need to do some grocery shopping...

Good Weekend ALL!

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