Gingerly Lizzy

Not a good oven
2003-02-03 - 9:11 a.m.

I am so, so tired today. Tired because I had Charlie horse like pains coursing through my lower back and legs all night, making it impossible to get to sleep. Tired because Dave was snoring like a freight train and wouldn't roll over. Tired because I kept having disturbing dreams about ghouls with bloody holes for mouths and war. Tired because I kept waking in a cold sweat, either too cold or too hot.

And now, I just want to go home and sleep, sleep, sleep the day away.

And as soon as the boss gets here, I am going to ask him if I can for a couple hours because me eyes are fighting me, and I am pretty sure I was drifting over into the other lane while drivng to work this morning.

I have figured out that I am NOT a very good pregnant woman.

I don't generally like being pregnant to tell you the truth. And before I get all of those notes in my guestbook saying how special and wonderful it is, and how ungrateful I am, hear me out...

Yes, I realize. I DO love feeling this baby move around inside me (not so much when it kicks a full bladder...), I DO love to watch my tummy get rounder and harder, knowing what is inside of it.

But there are a lot of things I Don't like. And geographics might have something to do with it. Because there are SOOOO many young pregnant women here. And people say you should feel special during this time, but really? I don't. Everywhere I look there is ANOTHER one. We don't exchange knowing glances in shopping malls or small smiles while looking at baby things. Generally, the pregnant women here IGNORE each other. I am just one of the masses. Half my friends are going through the same thing. Do I feel special? No, not particularly.

And I am terrified of gaining weight. And yes, yes, I know, it is PREGNANCY weight, in a category all its own, but I don't care. It makes me panicky and uneasy nonetheless. I have always had that plateau I knew I would never cross but now, I find myself crossing it, and no matter how much I try and reassure myself, It still SCARES THE HECK OUT OF ME. Call it the dancer within maybe, I dunno... but the least hint of a stretch mark is enough to make me wail.

And despite those people who tell me I am "glowing", I don't feel very glowy. I feel big, swollen, unattractive, frumpy and can't seem to find more than one shirt that I feel somewhat fashionable in and a pair of pants that is built not to shrink to look like floodsm, or cuts off my circlation at the waist. And I am NOT on the smaller side of pregnant ladies. I can tell I am going to be one of the ones where everyone goes "WOW! YOU ARE HUGE!" when I am only six 1/2 months along.

The fact that I can't sit down without a painful tailbone reminding me what I am in for, is really starting to grind and my never-ending need to visit the loo isn't helping matters.

So no, all in all, I don't LIKE being pregnant. I LOVE what the results will bring me, I LOVE what my body is creating, and I know I will do it again, (in the future) and probably again, and will forget most of the pains with the excitement of each new addition to our family.

But I can't wait to get back to ME. To be able to sit and stretch and hold it and look good wearing it and of course BE A MOM.

I am just looking towards the end of the tunnel, because that is where the rainbow lies for me! :)

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